When I first found out I was pregnant with #2, I was so excited to share this journey with this community- the bump dates, what I was eating, how workouts & motherhood were all adapting with each new stage. But then a global pandemic happened. Pile that on top of starting a college coaching position a week before the world shut down, our Young Living business taking off, & learning how to all work in our 700sq foot apartment with a very active toddler running wild- social media was just not where my focus could be & that’s okay! Taking time to pause & be together made the second trimester everything it was- an unknown, emotional rollercoaster that taught me to shift a really challenging time into a season of gratitude.
To say I was terrified to have us all home at the same time everyday, 24/7 while being a ball of hormones would be an understatement. I was scared how I was going to handle it, how Joss was going to adapt, & if Matt and I’s relationship could take all that time together. While I certainly have had my fair share of walk-outs (any other enneagram 7’s out there lol), our marriage has never been stronger than these last 3 months. We’ve gotten to actually experience this pregnancy together, which didn’t happen the first go around. With Joss, we were college students with opposite schedules, who didn’t live in the same place until month 9. We also were so young and scared that we would have listened to a stranger on the street about what big decisions to make if they sounded convincing enough, & we did. This time around, I’ve read tons of books, listened to podcasts & somehow even got Matt to watch the business of being born with me. Side note: I cannot recommend this documentary enough. Getting a look at the total picture of birth & prenatal care for yourself was so eye opening. It actually helped us both decide that switching to a midwife was the route we wanted to take this time. Our hospital birth & OB experience with Joss was incredible in Colorado, but we just weren't having the same luck down here. We found this birth center near us called Magnolia Birth House & it’s been the most amazing experience so far. All that being said, if it weren’t for this time at home I honestly don’t think I would have had the energy to learn as much as I have & bring Matt along with me in it all- so that has definitely been something to be grateful for.
As for how I’ve been feeling, it’s definitely been an adjustment. With Joss, I was still playing volleyball or working out with my college team most days. Besides some extra tiredness, I felt pretty normal up until the end. I remember really loving getting to watch my body transform & change. I felt so strong & unique. This time around, it’s been a lot different experience. My body was telling me to slow things down during workouts a lot earlier and that was a challenge. Being someone who has struggled with an eating/exercise disorder in the past, control is something I have a hard time giving up when it comes to food & movement and I was really challenged in that early in my second trimester. I was going to say it took a bit of a toll on me, but in reality- it was really freaking hard. I felt this constant battle of eating what my body was craving- which included lots of ‘fear’ foods & looked very different than my normal routine- or going down this dangerous cycle of restriction which I hadn’t been confronted with in years. It opened up a lot of doors I thought I had closed a long time ago; one in particular being my relationship with exercise. When I was forced to slow down the intensity of workouts, I realized that a lot of my desire to move my body wasn’t coming from a healthy place, but from a need for it to bandage the bigger mental disorder I had going on. A lot of guilt came during this time & I didn’t always feel like I was deserving of this life inside me; but it also brought out a lot of strength. This was the first time in my life I had been vulnerable with anyone, including Matt, about what was really going on inside my mind. I’ve opened up about a lot of the thoughts I have that I’ve never spoken out loud to anyone before. I’ve prayed over my body and my mind- again, something I’ve never done before & just those small steps have made the last few weeks such a different experience.
Sharing this part of my life isn’t something I do very often, but I know if I’m feeling these things others are too. I want you to know that the feelings you’re having are not yours to carry alone. We hear all the time “it takes a village to raise a child” but it also takes on to grow one. Lean into your people, your faith, listen & talk to other mothers- whatever it is that allows you the chance to release some of what you’re carrying. There’s so many great tools, apps, books, podcasts that help walk you through the changes & trials of this journey that I’ll share in my “pregnancy favorites” post I’m working on, but start looking for who or what that is for you. This journey of motherhood is not for the faint of heart, & I’m being reminded of that in such a new light this time around, but it’s a beautiful one that we’re each chosen for. So no matter how hard they may be to find, keep searching for the moments of gratitude in your journey.